Jory

“Is that something that you’d like to address?” You’re shaking your head. “Is that a yes?” “I know it’s kinda complex. You’re stuck inside of there, But you can tell me tho Any time, and anywhere.” You look up and we’re meeting eyes. Connection now, no room for pride. There never is when somebody dies. I ask “what’s on your mind. Can you give me any sign?” You say “it’s fine. Just wait, I need to plan out my lines.” “Of course. Take your time to plot your course.” We pause. — The silence makes us unarmed. Though there’s charge. Your lips part, sound doesn’t start. You breath again then begin: “Do I miss him? wasn’t supposed to be like how it is. You pay for help and end up needing more. Is this how god evens scores?” You breath again then begin: “Do I miss him? wasn’t supposed to be like how it is. You look for help and end up needing more. Is this how god evens scores? Speaking of scores, I’ve been war torn, forlorn, far from bored. Im out of sorts as supports, like smoke, went up. I was driven mad once, so do now I give up? Nah, it aint mean much. Whatever tho. Relationship transactional. It wasn’t actual. Slightly fraternized, but I’ll play it off casual.” It’s my turn to speak again. I say “as your friend, it’s ok if you miss him. It’d be scary if you didn’t.” You lash out and say “im out of line.” I get that it’s the way youre grieving so it’ll be fine. I don’t know what would happen if I lost mine. You say: “Is all that lost time?” You breath again then begin: “Do I miss him? wasn’t supposed to be like how it is. You look for help and end up needing more. Is this how god evens scores? Is all the wisdom diminished? What happens when your therapists says you can do it, then he didn’t. Who I turn to push through this?” I don’t bat an eye but, cmon guy, im right here. But it’s clear he aint, so I wait. I ain’t wanna see his tears, come out lakes. That’ll happen later. You say, “I feel like a baby sacrificed, this aint seder. I never gave no orders, I even asked the waiters. No commandments, only questions. Do I deserve this? If not, what is the purpose? This shit is sillier than circus. But I ain’t get peanuts, just missing persons. I’m hurting. I dont know if this pain is worth it…” I step and say “it is.” Even if I do not know it yet. “It’s easy to forget, its hard to remember warmth in the cold of December But thats what makes the glowing worth it. It’s not for pleasure. It’s your purpose. So take those flaming rings and make this your bitch of a circus.” I know its worth it. You breath again then begin: “Do I miss him? wasn’t supposed to be like how it is. You pay for help and end up needing more. Is this how god evens scores? You breath again then begin: “Do I miss him? wasn’t supposed to be like how it is. You pay for help and end up needing more. Is this how god evens scores? Like let’s talk about the method. Now his life has ended. The way I thought of doing to myself, shit. Suicide leaves a smaller pension. Sends straight detentions to your loved ones. Did I love him? Im not sure, this is all a ton. What’s a therapist to once they ended session. Ended life all on their own. Like. Restaurant now that it’s closed. Is that what this is like, is that what it’s supposed?